The other day, while the music was blaring loud at this funky pub in downtown Bombay, Helen of Troy told me that I was "very strong" for sticking on in a Long Distance Relationship, and that I was doing something really "good". At the time, I suppose I must have beamed in joy, thinking about Boy, but didn't really consider what his words meant. Hell, I've heard variations of that comment so many times from Vivian. So it really didn't hit me. Till, perhaps last night, when I was pondering over them, and wondered why they think I'm "strong" to carry on in a LDR.
Is it because of the no-everyday contact? Probably.
Is it because of the no-everyday sex? Perhaps.
Is it because I cut a sorry figure at GB parties, all dressed to kill and slut around, but going home alone each night? Most definitely!
:)
My friends are beautiful, and of course they would never imply I'm pathetic(ally strong) because I don't get laid every GB night these days. So it's not the sex part. It's the part where you realize you've found the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with - but you have to stay apart for a significant period of time. It's all about the lack of companionship, the holding hands, the everyday phone conversations, the every night dinners, and all of the stuff that you would do with someone you're crazy about. So that makes me... "strong".
And then I thought about it? Why on earth do I do it? The other night, Chimneypot and I were having this conversation, and she was telling me, she realy hoped things went well for the long haul with her boyfriend - because quite frankly, she was too tired to start from scratch if this relationship didn't succeed. I identified with her. Walking out of a GB party alone, even though I hate the fact that I'm not going to get laid, I also love the fact that I don't have to work/charm/ cruise my way so that I can find myself a mate - pun intended. Like Chimneypot, I am terrified at the thought of having to start all over again, if things with Boy don't work out - especially, since it just sort of... fell into my lap, really, without me having to really try.
But that's not the reason why I stuck it out through the absence - nor should it ever be. I don't ever want to be with a man just because I'm terrified of being without one. The reason why I'm still wearing his ring is because it felt so natural... because it fell into my lap.
Does that make sense? I want to preserve this beautiful feeling that I have for this creature who just walked into my life one fine day, and showed me such grand things. I've given him so many nicknames, attributed so many special qualities to him, and all of it because they're true. His voice on the telephone gets me grinning, and I'm thrilled to bits that he loves the sound of my laughter. I've been with my Boy, despite the distance, because in spite of all my bitching against the LDR, this one has taught me some special things.
It's taught me to be patient. To be much more at ease with myself than I have ever been. It taught me to not turn my lover into a superhuman demigod - he's human, I'm human, we're silly creatures who might slip up now and then, so be kind. It taught me to stop living my love affairs all the time like a teenager. And, yes, it did teach me to dream.
So, if HoT and Vivian thinks I'm "strong" for sticking onto this relationship, the real reason is because this relationship has made me Strong.
No comments:
Post a Comment