Raindrops and roses

Raindrops and roses

Let's get bitchy. It's time to list five of the most ludicrous/ dumbass/ psycho/ loseARR people I've slept with. But I'll be kind and use pseudonyms.

1. Tall gawk factor boy: with voice cracked and a penchant for womens' jeans, working in a Gurgawa call centre - sigh, how typical! He hemmed and hawed his way to me, and finally ended up seducing me one night, when I was drunk and quite... happy. Sigh, thank god, I never saw him again after that.

2. Muscle boy with shy lisp: kept on muttering "I'm soooooo attracted to you", and when we finally got into bed, he was "Oooo, how can I do this to my boyfriend? What do I dooooo?" I have little patience with such irritating dawdlers, but you can hardly accuse me of date rape. I mean: the guy led me on, officer! And, besides, he left my flat with a very happy grin on his face.

3. Another shy and closeted queen: who kept on looking back over his shoulder while walking on the road, and muttering in a sinister voice, "I hope I can trust you enough to bring you here, [closetalk], everyone here knows me very well." Well, somehow or the other, no one managed to recognise Michael Jackson and his bonk-for-the-day (me) and when it was over, I ran... fast. I have no desire to be a witness at another high-profile trial.

4. Older man with fat belly: almost all gay men have had this specimen. He's like an institution: the kind of bonk-mate every gay guy starts off with, when he's unsure about himself and just where he stands on the 'oomph' scale. So he goes and succumbs to the fat, older, married man, just because he's desperate to have somebody touch him. sigh...

5. Balding bear with tight abs, who kept on muttering 'yeah' in a horrible imitation of porno stars while we did it: was stand-offish at first, and then suddenly leapt on me, when I had my back turned. The next thing I know, I'm on the floor, and the whole room is echoing with YEEAAA!!! YEAAAAA!!! Only for a one-night stand, and only if you're desperate for a bonk.

Shit - are five over already?