The question you're most likely to come across in a gay chatroom (after the all-too-regular "do you have place?") is "bored and horny?" That signifies: you're ready for action. Not a week later, not three days later, not even later that night - the buzzword is now. And that's quite exciting in its own right. The other day, however, while chatting with a cute investment banker based in South Bombay, he asks me how I usually prefer to have my dates.
For a second, I'm stumped. I 'm wondering whether I should just be carnal and say something like "Sex sunny side up, coffee on the side, conversation brief", but then decide against it. This guy is one of those who don't get around much - and my frankness might well cause the poor cloistered fellow heartburn. So I play safe, and ask him what he means. His reply: lunch/dinner?
Whew. Safe.
But this is actually a question I haven't dissected before, so I think for a minute, before giving him my answer: coffee. Coffee, I say, is the safest option for a first date, followed by lunch and then dinner, last of all.
This flummoxes the staid investment banker. From what he's told me, I 've gathered that a lot of his dates have met him for a movie, and attempted to neck in the dark hall - something which I find a bit icky, really - though I shouldn't, given my record of exhibitionism in the past. So, anyhow, he asks me to explain my reasoning. And I launch into my flowchat stream of Logic. (capital L).
Coffee is best, because... It's a neutral venue, got bright lighting so that you can see what the blind date (not-so-blind, if you've seen his snap online before agreeing to meet), and best of all: has flexible timings. If the guy is a complete zilch, you can a) beg off coffee, saying you got an urgent call from work and you're wanted back right away, or b) be a bit more considerate and gulp your coffee down in five minutes and rush out of the door. Or, if things start going well, you can take your time licking the cream off the rim, look longingly into his eyes, touch his fingers 'accidentally' when he reaches for the sugar cubes, and suggest that you do something else after your looooong coffee date reaches its end.
Lunch is next, because... The timings are less flexible than for coffee. You can still come up with the 'have work must run' excuse, but that has to be used as soon as you see him and not later. And, if you do decide to stick around, the coffee-in-five-minutes thing doesn't work. You have to make more of an effort at conversation here, though, because there's all that food to eat. The good part is, if it doesn't go the way you'd like it to go, you can still use the 'have lots of work' stunt to run as soon as you pay the bill - strictly, Dutch, by the way.
By this time, I'm sure than the investment banker thinks he's netted a Complete Professional, but then I'm beyond caring in my fervour, and carry on with my Logic...
Dinner is worst, because... There's that awful thing called Obligation. Plus, there's the time factor. Not so easy to duck out of the dinner thing altogether, or convert it into a coffee thing instead of a dinner thing - not unless you're a whiz at polite dismissals. Dinner is a longer deal than lunch or coffee - and the work excuse just cannot make an appearance here. Things are that much more convoluted, so you have to spend at least an hour with him. And then there's the question of "what now?" after the meal is over. The question is that much more loaded and ominous than it ever was with coffee or even lunch. That's when you gulp... and wonder what you're going to do.
CT: "So, yea, coffee is definitely best for a first date!"
Investment Banker, after two minutes of cyber-silence: "You're mad!"
Huh?!
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