Musings

Musings

Sometimes, I wonder how my relationship with Boy sounds to the world at large. Perhaps, if I were much more private, I would have hated baring my soul and my relationship like that, but then there's the exhibitionist streak in me that overcompensates...

We're heading onto six months over here. Much of that time has been spent well. Getting to know each other better. Loving each other. Involving each other in our lives and schedules. Boy's work at the university and the dance classes. My work at the TV channel. We've talked to each other about prospective job changes. About the GRE and the complications it involves. When my parents were down here, and they were worried about my elder brother not getting a suitable mate, I felt stifled somehow, unable to tell them that I had found the love of my life... wanting some sort of warmth from them, but of course that was quite inevitable. Boy would call me at night, and we would talk about his mum and his old school teacher... and how good it would be to live together, finally.

Of course, things have not been all rosy. Issues have cropped up, time and again. We've been torn because of our libidos, for one. Webcams have a limitation, after all... and with both our new jobs, even camming has proved to be elusive. It has been ages since I saw his face - live - and I miss that. He knows that. I hate the fact that because of our now busier skeds, it's so much tougher to stay in touch and reply to every sms message. And I must confess, there have been so many times I've behaved like the shrill housewife angry when hubby is late from work.

I've grappled with issues like: where does one draw the line between seeking reaffirmation as a measure of uncertainty, and seeking reaffirmation as a measure to stay involved. There have been superstitious issues as well - none of my previous relationships have lasted beyond five months, and I think that made me more itchy in my head. I've tried to toe the line between two extremes: being so up-close as to be intrusive and pushy, and being so withdrawn as to allow the relationship to fall into a rut.

So, yes, it's been a tremulous time, not without its shocks and jolts. And not without its moments of tenderness. Moments when I can hear him sing into my ears - hume tumse pyaar kitna... And though my Gujju Boy is no Kishore, his words are music to my ears. Recently, I made mum listen to the rendition of the Bengali song aay re aay, that I'd taped of Boy singing when he was in Bombay, and Mum loved it. I was so tempted to tell her all then, but I didn't. Despite all the frustration at the LDR crap, I remember why I've fallen in love with him. Despite all the temptation to have sex and forget, I remember the way his lips made me feel, the words he says, the touch he evokes, the tenderness in his eyes. The advice he renders. The inscription on our rings...

Now?

... Always.