Driftwood

Driftwood

I met an old friend after a long time today, someone with whom I'd been very close, in the days when I still hadn't come out to him. I remember the time I finally did come out to him, about one and a half months after Boy and I were official, and he sounded kinda worried on the other end:

Old Friend: "Gay? Are you sure? Maybe it's just experimenting?"

CT, laughing: "Naaaa. It's irreversable. I'm gay. Completely so. And I'm in love with the greatest guy ever."

OF: "Well, maybe you shouldn't be in so much of a hurry to do this. You'e still pretty young, CT."

CT, shaking head: "Age has nothing to do with it, OF. I know who I am. I'm gay and honestly speaking, I'm absolutely cool with it. The question is, are you cool with it?"

Well, he said he was, and I believed him. He was someone I relied upon, in no small measure, during a very important phase of my life. Him and Chimneypot. And today, he was in town, and so the three of us met up for drinks and dinner.

Have you ever felt sad when you're sitting across the table from someone, and can feel the camaraderie just... drifting away...? I felt terrible for a moment, because as we talked, I realized that I couldn't think of anything new to say to him, other than reminescence about the past we'd shared. And that felt like a lie. It was all so much lying, so much straight-man-clinking-beer-glasses. And I don't like beer anymore - let's get that straight - I'm into wine and vodka.

To be fair, it wasn't all his fault. That was what I told Chimneypot later in the cabride back home. Sometimes, it's just inevitable. Distance and Events in your own life shape the way you look at other people, old friends, old relationships. That's how you simply lose touch. And you can't stay in touch forcefully. I feel guilty at times, for not having taken the pain to stay in touch, like I did with Ex Flatmate, and I ask myself sometimes whether the only reason I stayed in touch there was because of my crush...! Uncomfortable questions to ask myself.

By the close of dinner, OF leaned over and asked me what it was like to be "on the other side". I looked perplexed, and he went on: "Do you feel like a woman inside, wanting to be with the right man?"

And now, I was really stumped. I put on my most affected and artificial professorial tone, and replied that homosexuals were far from homogeneous - and what he had just described sounded more like transexuals than actual gay men, anyhow. Transsexuals could be either men feeling like women inside, or women feeling like men.

OF: "But you feel like being a woman at times?"

It seemed strange to hear this from him, maybe because I'd never expected cool, liberated OF to think about gay men in these terms - this was something I expected from people who were not at all familiar with homosexuality - and somehow, I'd imagined that he would be. Chimneypot later told me, he had asked her about me earlier on the phone - this was his way of showing concern, because he was worried and curious, she said. OF is brusque and blunt. He always has been. What's changed is me: I'm not that understanding of blunt people anymore.

Disappointing.

***

Current mood: Drowsy and moody
Current song: Where's the party tonight?

Dance with me baby, won't you dance with me all night?
Won't you party, party, party, won't you burn the floor all night?
----
Where's the party tonight?
Down the road!
Where's the party tonight?
On the dance floor!