Just got off the phone after a lamba 25-minute chat with Boy, and I feel as if I could leap over the moon. Would hate to be like a Mean Married Monster, ala the Insane Bitch, but then, I can't help feeling like this. That's because at the end, over and over, I realise that he's by far the best guy for me. There have been so many times when I've regretted giving the old heave-ho to Ex With Paunch simply because I wasn't really that into him physically: in the depths of depression, I used to tell myself that, so what if the sex wasn't great, and he had a paunch, and I was fooling around with cartloads of guys behind his back, at least there was the security of knowing that Ex With Paunch loved me and would be there for me.
Or I would wonder where on earth I went wrong with NatureBoy, if I should have been more understanding of 'work hassles', and was I really that All-Pervasive a boyfriend in his life that he needed 'space' from me? And I kept on torturing myself over and over again that maybe it was all MY fault.
Everyone says that to himself/ herself at some point of his/ her life, I suppose. There were so many chats with my friends: how important is it to compromise? How important is it to change the way I love? My friends know how I love: I love in totality. I love with all my heart, and I make him the centre of my world, and I expect to be made the centre of his. And that has led to a lot of bruising in the past. Perhaps, all those bruises were necessary. To get to this point. To understand the value of Space. To understand, without essentially giving up the way I love, because that is quite impossible for me. Work timings and schedules are a problem for which I would perhaps have not had the patience to deal with earlier. I would have belittled them as inconsequential. And yet, when I'm faced with them myself now, I realise how important it is to not make a mountain of every molehill, and a demigod out of every boyfriend. It's important to just be human, and believe in human frailty. Because that makes you live and experience human love.
And there are those things that make it all worthwhile. Like the laughs and jokes that I share with Boy, that I couldn't have with either Ex With Paunch, or NatureBoy. Like the way I know he is generous to a fault. Like the way I know he rushes to help people wherever he can. Like the way we gel when we burn up the dance floor together. Like the way, yes, I shall say it, we have fun even with cyber sex. ;-) And like the way that I know that I can be honest with him about everything under the sun, the way I feel, the way I fear, and I know that he will be there for me, as he has been every day so far since we met. And like the way I know I don't need to hold back from loving him, lest he thinks I'm intruding on his 'space'. There's been a lot of scope for mistakes and slipping up here, as there always is, when there's a relationship at stake, but somehow, so far, I've had the maturity of not completely giving into my demons. And when I have felt miserable and whiny, I've been blessed by some great friends to unwind with, rather than showering all my manufactured misery on the man that I love.
When push comes to shove, I'm just a Drama Queen. A Queen called Samantha. ;-)
No comments:
Post a Comment